Today was like a lot of days around here. I woke up and blue sunlight was coming through the small window. An apple was beside my bed, becuase my dad likes apples. My mom was asleep in the chair beside my bed. There was no good looking guy sweeping in telling me that I was the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen. I was still sick when I woke up this morning. Jenny came is and gave me hydroxuerea, and penicillin. She smiled her smile and walked out. I lay in bed for a long while. I assumed correctly that Kurt would not show up trailing behind Sanjula. At like, one I got out of bed, and walked around the halls for a little while. slowly. Dr Edgars told me walking too fast can "severely damage my chances of becoming properly hydrated." I have oxygen therapy tomorrow. I want to swear so badly. But see, I feel that ending up in purgatory after all THIS purgatory that I'm already in would be such a waste. I've spent so much time in this hospital that I sometimes wonder whether I'm already dead. Maybe I'm dead and this is just God telling me to wait a long time. A looong time, before I can enjoy anything again. I did something terrible in my past that he wants me to be sad about. Guilty about. Another problem I have with god. People's relationships with him are always so guilty. It's like they need him to watch over them so they won't do bad things. Like the don't have the conscience to stop them from doing things that are obviously destructive. They need some idea of a guy who might send a lightning bolt through your head if you're naughty. That's what they need, I guess. But I don't need that. I've had enough being guilty. Guilty that my mother is so sad. Guilty that my parents never spend time with my sister, becuase they are always with me. I don't really know. I don't really know what I'm trying to say anymore. Jenny told me today, that she met a man. She says his name is Roger. She says  he dances like a champion. I don't really get that, but whatever. it obviously really makes Jenny... interested. So I guess I'm glad for her that he dances like a champion. She met him at a wedding, and they're going out for dinner on Wednesday. I told her that was a weird day for a dinner date, and she laughed and smiled. I think she's hiding something from me, but it's difficult to tell what, with Jenny. She's always so truthful, that I guess when she's hiding and lying, she's still telling the truth. It's only five oclock and it's already dark.