Today a boy came to my hospital room. He had red hair, and freckles, and i thought he wasn't that good looking. He's kind of immature actually. He came because he's 'reading to sick kids for school' direct quote, FYI. He's 17 and his name's Gus. He's a mega dork. But I've decided I love him. I have to love someone. I just have to. I'm going to die soon, and if I don't ever love someone, my life will have been a waste. I'm really scared for my life to have been a waste. There are just so many fricking things I've never done. I've never had sex. I've never been drunk. I've never been to Europe. I've never been to Hollywood. I've never eaten a fish fillet from McDonalds. The sound of a fish fillet from McDonalds is like.... the only thing that gets me through sometimes. Before I found out I was sick, I went to school. I had a friend there, and she was white, like a porcelain doll. Her name was Kim, and she went and got a fish fillet from McDonalds with her mom every thursday after school. And then on Friday she'd tell me all about it. Rubbing her tummy, making noises of extreme satisfaction with the meal she'd had some time ago. She was kind of a bitch actually, and I don't care if that hurt God's ears, because that's the honest truth. She was a bitch. I went over to her house once after school, and she took me into her bathroom, and ran the tap for a while, grabbing a bar of soap. Then she tried to wash the colour out of my skin. with a washcloth and a bar of soap she tried to make me a new person. When I think about it, I feel kind of dull. deadish. like i can feel all my red blood cells inside me. too small, and too shrivelled. Not enough oxygen for my body. Anyway, I've decided I love Gus. Because there are so many things I have never done. That this one little thing has to happen for me. My tiny sliver of a life would be too unsatisfying without it. I wrote out a list of things that Gus is going to be, in my head at least, he'll be them.
1) He'll also love numbers
2) He'll be a famous conspiracy theorist, and we'll be able to live off the bounty of his interesting and witty social commentary.
3) He'll be very kind and tender, always wondering what I'm thinking, and what I feel about situations we get into together.
4) He'll be interested in travelling with me. Because if I could make plans, I'd plan on doing a lot of travelling.
5) He'll be able to pay for gene therapy

I told Jenny about my decision to love him. She laughed a little bit, and smiled one of those 'oh you have no idea what you're doing' smiles, but she gossiped with me about how good looking he is. Then I told her baout my list.  I wish I'd left out number five when I was telling her. I hate the number. It's always been to harsh for my liking. Too used. But Jenny just looked sad about the frailty of my family's money. She said she was so sory, and I told her not to be, becuase it's not her fault. She told me that's not the point. Which I understand. But I don't want Jennny to be sorry. I want her to be happy. Pretty much all the time. That's what I'd like for her. Anyway, Gus is now my one true love. He's got such nice hair, Today I spent a good 10 minutes, (a nice round number) thinking about running my hands through it while we kiss.