I illegaly download music. I'm trying to be all holy and crap, (I also decided crap would not hurt God's ears) but I need good music, and becuase my family is so un-blessed in the money department, I need to find it somewhere. So I do. It's better than nothing. I think if I wrote a letter to God, he'd understand. But maybe i'm wrong. I don't know. I'm not personally aquainted with the big dude. But from what I've read, and what I've heard, I think so. I read some of the bible today. I asked Jenny if I could borrow hers, and she brought it back to me right away. I think she's been waiting a long time for me to get interested and excited about jesus. I read some of it, but it was long, and it seemed like the girls weren't treated very well. Maybe that's why Jenny let her husband run away. She thought he was a prophet. My hair is greasy, but I'm not allowed to take a shower, because I'm still in the middle of my oxygen therapy. I'm feeling really tired. sort of generally tired with the state of things. But I guess there's nothing I can do anymore. Sanjula came in today. i think she wanted to talk tp mom, but mom was having a small scene over in the corner. so Sanjula talked to Jenny instead for like three hours. sometimes she'd cry. there is too much crying going on. Sanjula didn't bring Kurt with her. Dad went to work and then came back to the hospital. he brought me naan and chana masala and aloo ghobi and tandoori chicken. Jenny said as long as i had a lot of water with it i could eat some. Sanjula ate. Mom ate, while she cried. Dad ate. I ate, while I smiled. I don't have any friends, besides Jenny, and the number puzzles book beside my bed, but in that moment, I guess I was really happy. Even though mom was crying, and Sanjula was silent, and dad was still working at staples, and I'm almost through the whole number puzzles book I was happy. so I smiled. and pretty soon, Sanjula started smiling too. And then Dad did. Mom didn't stop crying, but she smiled a bit too. We didn't get any of the food on the hospital sheets. When we finished eating, mom made us all say grace. At the end I didn't say amen with everyone else. I'm sorry God. I just couldn't. I was too happy to be guilty in that moment. Now I feel kind of bad about it. please don't put me in purgatory.